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How to get over the lying after divorce

Trust is a foundation of friendships and particularly marriages, and lack of it can be a significant contributor to divorce or a breakup. While the truth of the situation eventually revealed itself, it leaves a spouse feeling confused, betrayed and resentful. These victims likely promise themselves that they never will go through it again.

Protecting yourself or even your children is sensible, but it can leave the victims unwilling to trust others or even what their instincts tell them. Hopefully, there is a realization at some point that it is healthier for you to move ahead and forge a new life.

4 steps to getting there

There is no strict order, but one expert outlined these steps as a natural progression for a full recovery:

  1. Be angry: Venting and letting it out is part of processing. Some will even use a buzzer where they rage for 15 minutes (or whatever feels appropriate) and then move on with their day, leaving that anger behind as they do.
  2. Forgive yourself: It’s okay that you were deceived. This does not condone the liar’s behavior, but it's healthier to see no ill intent in others until there are reasons to think otherwise. Forgiveness offers an opportunity to embark on a path of learning, growth and change.
  3. Learn to trust: It may happen that others will lie to you, but be open to the fact that you can recognize liars and take care of yourself. Practicing kindness makes you a better person and can inspire others.
  4. Be patient: Avoid being overly critical of your thoughts and behavior. Taking time to heal is an essential part of the recovery.

They no longer control you

Those unable to move on after a split can remain angry and distant towards others, which experts point out means that the liar is still having an impact on your life. If this is the case, perhaps working with a trained therapist can help open the doors to a new, better future filled with trust and kindness. One where they no longer have control over you.

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